We were celebrating your 72nd Birthday. I can't remember exactly what we did (I'm sure Mom does) but knowing you, it involved great Mexican food, margaritas, and damn good conversation. What I do remember is that we had no idea that it would be the last time we got to celebrate your birthday with you...
Last time.... those words seem so final, yet when we say them in everyday terms, like this is the last time I will ever cheat on my diet, or this is the last time I'm giving him a chance, then you find yourself doing those things again, even when you said it was the last time. Hindsight is different... that was the last time, ever. There is no undoing that, no way of going back to that moment and to spend your birthday with you again.
Mom and I are 4 months in to our fourth year without you, and we've finally got the hang of things. She doesn't call me anymore broken down and crying, I don't fall to pieces every time I hear someone refer to their grandmother as "Nana". But the memories are always there, finding little crevices and cracks to make their way through.
It's been forever since I have thought of you this way, since I've really opened up, admitted that I miss you like crazy and it's left me feeling guilty. I feel guilty that I don't think about you everyday, that I don't cry all the time, or look at your pictures enough, then I take a breath and remind myself that you want me to be happy, and to continue living my life the way it should be, filled with joy. I think Mom and I both feel that ever since you left this world a little piece of our joy and sunshine got taken away with you... and it's not fair. It's difficult for us to live in a world without your love... and we have to remind ourselves that your love is all around us and when we do that we find that magical things happen...
12.02.2011
I was getting ready to go on stage and portray a woman from the same era that you grew up in, and then... well you know the rest Nana! I heard you! I was standing in the bathroom mindlessly buttoning my dress listening to the gathering crowd through the stage speaker when I heard your voice crisp in my mind, "My baby is going to do great" I jumped and looked at myself in the mirror, got chills all over, and tears burst from my eyes, and I said "Nana!? Thank you for coming... Oh, I love you so much" and all of that happened without me even thinking about it, it was a knee-jerk reaction to hearing you so clearly, like you were talking directly into that speaker in the bathroom.
I know you are still with us and I have to remind myself of that often. It hurts to look forward and know that the man I marry will not have met you, that you won't get to see your grand babies and they won't know the love that you could show a child. I know my Mom will do her best to replicate it. I just hope you know that we love you and really, really wish you could be here tomorrow, with me in Dallas, and with Mom in Austin so that we could wish you a happy birthday just one more time.
Happy Birthday my Nana. I love you.
Bawling - this is so beautiful! I hope she sends you a sign to show she sees this and us everyday. WE do love her and miss her so very much EVERYDAY! Tremendous Tribute! LOVE YOU! Mama
ReplyDeleteHappy happy birthday to your nana! I'm SO sure she's having THE best mexican food and margaritas in celebration of you, your mom and life in general. She has GOT to be so proud of you and what a strong, beautiful woman you are today! Such a beautifully written post. Be thankful for all the memories you have with her. Sending a virtual hug to you today. 0:)
ReplyDeleteShe was a free, fun-loving spirit throughout her entire life. I remember so many good times we shared with Nana -- never enough. Weird how our perspective changes on those words, "the last time". I think Nana understood this, and lived every day to its fullest.
ReplyDeletemiss that crazy woman like crazy! she taught us so much, the more time goes by the more i realize that. her unconditional love really helped me learn to be myself no matter what situation i'm surrounded by. she sure did add a spark to all of our lives. i always see that spark in you vic, and in your mom. yall both have such a desire and passion for life that a lot of people sadly lack, i think nana taught yall that. she did it 'her way', and thats the best way to live life, hands down! love you nana, happy birthday :)
ReplyDelete-love, hal
I haven't had to deal with losing my "nana" yet but I can't even imagine what you go through. she sounds like a wonderful woman whos had a big impact on your life :)
ReplyDeletethanks destiny,
Deleteshe was like my second mom and lived with us my entire life. It was and continues to be very hard living without her. But I have peace of mind knowing she is watching and guiding my life in the direction it should go! Thanks for the comment hun :)
-V