Co-Dependent No More

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I am co-dependent. I'm not sure if I have ever admitted that in public, but it's true. And once you are co-dependent you can't ever really stop being co-dependent it becomes a part of your personality.

What you can do, is change your co-dependent behaviors, and silence the co-dependent voice in your head, and that my friends, is exactly what I have done.

I am not sure of the exact moment that my codependency began, I'm sure it steadily built throughout my childhood, but I was one of those kids that was never alone. My best friends played with me, ate with me, went to school with me, lived with me. I always had a tendency of attracting friends who were neglected in their own homes; my mother, being co-dependent as well, welcomed these sweet innocent children in to her home; often times to care for them more than their own parents did.

You see, that's our type of codependency, that's what we do, we are caretakers. We put others before us and make sure they are taken care of to hide from working on our own problems. It mostly effects our relationships with other people, and it negatively impacts our lives. My journey out of the co-dependent state of mind took me about five years and three failed relationships. The one thing I am happiest about, is the fact that I have learned so much in that amount of time, and I did make it out of the co-dependent state of mind.

I was 17 when I met my very first boyfriend. The guy who actually wanted to tell people he liked me and made it "official" on MySpace, yeah that  kind of boyfriend. He was 21 and lived with his parents, didn't have a job (or any drive to get one), played video games all day, belittled his parents (his sole supporters), terrorized his 13 year old sister, and had no regrets for anything he ever did. You would think I would have gone running for the hills right? Eventually I did, almost 3 years later. You see I was stuck in co-dependency. He needed me for attention, love, money, and I needed him simply because I needed someone to focus on rather than myself. Never-mind that he constantly cheated on me with his ex girlfriend, verbally abused me, and gave me nothing in return for my love, time and affection. Eventually I outgrew him, my parents, best friends, and even strangers helped me to see that there was nothing I could do to "fix" him and I needed to leave him behind. So with what little self confidence I had left, I broke things off with him shortly after my 20th birthday.

Next up, ONE MONTH LATER I met the second man I've ever been in a relationship with. Red flag right from the start. I even blogged about it here, saying I loved him after we had been dating for just FOUR days (I justified it because we had known each other since high school, but still....) there is no way anyone can love someone in four days time. I jumped right from trying to fix guy # 1 to loving guy #2. He was just as conflicted but a much better person all around. He lived with his mother (who verbally abused him), but had a great job that he worked hard at, respected his parents (despite their inability to show him love), thanked them for their help, didn't spend all his time playing video games or ignoring me. He cared, he needed someone to love him, and he needed someone to love. To this day when I think about him, I think of a sweet lost little puppy dog that I wanted to rescue; I wanted to show him what it felt like to be loved. 

Two months in to our relationship I'm moving 3 hours away to live with him. Fast forward a little over a year later and we were engaged, but things just weren't right. I wasn't happy. I couldn't easily fix his problems. He had developed a way to cope and to shut out his past, and the way he did that was by using drugs. Drugs were his #1 and I was his #2, but he couldn't see that. In his mind I was his whole world, I couldn't move, breathe, talk to other people without him being right there wondering what I was doing, who I was talking to, why wasn't he involved? If you couldn't tell he was also very co-dependent and two co-dependent people in one relationship is just double the trouble. I was growing every step of the way and these guys, just weren't. So, once again I let him go (More like pushed him out the door, he was co-dependent remember?). The one very good thing about my relationship with him was that he truly loved me, in a way the first guy never did, and by him loving me, I learned to love myself and I was another step closer to shedding my co-dependent layers.

I was single for 3 months before I met the next guy. So here were my stats: First relationship 2 1/2 years, then single for 1 month. Second relationship 1 1/2 years then single for 3 months, I was getting better at letting go, and I was getting better at staying by myself for longer in between these relationships.

The next guy I met changed me in ways I could never have expected. The first two were so broken, and I couldn't fix them, as hard as I tried, it wasn't meant to be. When I met #3, he was the opposite of broken. He was the best guy I had ever met. Independent, already graduated from college, had great jobs in the field that he loved, and he wasn't looking for just anyone to love him. He had great boundaries and wanted to take things slow, me being recently un-engaged thought that was just fine. I had such a fun time dating him, I looked up to him, he inspired me, he made me laugh. He treated me really, really well. But a layer of codependency was still there. I had never dated someone so up to par, I had never dated someone I considered my equal (equal in intelligence, drive, passion, and depth) It made me insecure. That codependent voice in my head wouldn't shut up. Guy #3 came from a military family, and from what I could tell when he talked about his parents, they were good parents who provided and raised him with a good head on his shoulders, but maybe didn't voice their feelings for him all the time. Because he definitely didn't voice his feelings to me, and this threw someone like me for a loop; someone who is so use to expressing how they feel. He did what he said, he showed interest in me, he always wanted to spend time with me, but I couldn't help feeling sad that he didn't say how he felt about me more. I felt confused. This is where things get blurry. I am not sure if it's my codependency that needed to hear those things, that needed to be reassured, or if it's just my personality to be in a relationship with someone who expresses their thoughts about me often. So, alas, after 5 1/2 short months I broke things off in frustration one night; after asking for more reassurance and not getting the response I needed.

My heart broke losing him in a way it never did with the first two. I miss him for who he was, how he inspired me, how much fun I had with him, and because he was someone really special to me. I think if I had taken a step back and looked at the situation I could have realized that I was pushing things a little too fast. My track record showed that I obviously needed to slow myself down, and just enjoy the moment. I really enjoyed being with him and if I had stopped worrying, shut off that incessant rambling of insecurities in my mind, he and I may have been a great match. But I can't go back and change what happened, all I can do is learn this lesson and move forward with my life. That is why I wanted to write this today, it's taken me three guys, and three very different paths to learn how to love myself and stop trying to control or fix the people around me. My greatest triumph so far in my life is that I am 22 years old and I am co-dependent no more. It takes some people years and years to battle their way out of that tightly knit web, but I did it! Now I can live for me and be happy knowing I have a long, healthy, and most importantly co-dependent free life ahead of me.

If you or someone you know struggles with co-dependency I recommend finding the book I read, Co-Dependent No More I linked it to Amazon, you can get it there for 10 bucks! It's a great read :) And feel free to email me with any questions you may have!