Lessons Learned

Life is such an amazing journey and I need to write a tribute to the amazing people who are on this highway called my life. It's amazing to me how so much can change in such a short amount of time. I feel like I used to be able to sit down and write a book about all of the tragedies in my life, I don't write much any more because there really hasn't been much going wrong in my life lately. But that is when I should be writing the most about how blessed I am.

My real accomplishment this year has been getting toxic people out of my life. And when i say toxic, I don't necessarily mean they are a bad person, just not a person who has a place in my life anymore, a person who doesn't bring joy to my life. It started with Craig, and it took me so long to realize it wasn't him that I couldn't let go of, it was my own insecurities. I couldn't stop telling myself the lies that he and many others put in my head. I thought I wasn't a good person, that no one would really love me for me, that all guys wanted was to use me, that my dream of becoming a successful and happy person would never come true, and that the way life was was how it would always be, "that's just life" I was told.

There is no perfect guy out there and I always knew that, but when I met Taylor I was very scared that he would disappear because he was so much more of a man than I ever knew could exist. He was loyal, caring, trustworthy, hardworking, everything I ever wanted or needed in a partner. For the first few months I clung to him to pull me away from the sadness that had become my life, but after a while I convinced myself that he and I would end up in the same situation I was in before. But as time went by we both taught each other a lot. It was amazing to watch him grow and it was even more amazing to watch myself grow as a person, for once I wasn't having to drag a man along as I tried to grow, he was right there with me learning at every step, something I don't think Craig was ready to do. Our life now is so wonderful, it is a joy to love him, and that's how it should be. It takes work and compromise to make a partnership work and you have to want it very badly. Taylor and I both want it so we make it work everyday and every night I get to lie in the arms of someone who truly loves, respects, and cares for me. It's a wonderful feeling.

I am not trying to say that I am an expert when it comes to relationships, because I know I am not. But one thing I do know is that I am a genuinely good person and I try to take steps to continue being that person every single day. Everyone is human and I have had my share of wrong-doings but I feel remorse for what I have done and I have owned up to them, said I was sorry for them and have moved on which is all I can do. A lot of people struggle with moving on in life, and those people I feel very sorry for... I have been in the situation where all you do is look back and hold hate in your heart for the things people did to you, and it is no way to live. I learned that you have to let go and forgive and forget if you want to be truly happy in life. Katrina and I are no longer friends, and though it is very sad to me, I think it's the best for everyone because if you can't forgive someone than you can never move forward in a relationship with them. I still love her very much, and I always will, and I hope she can one day look back and know that I truly cared for her and enjoyed many of our times together and will always treasure our memories.

I have always tried to make the people in my life happy and it usually never worked out that way. I feel like I was stretching myself too thin and trying to fix too many problems at once and I would end up making a lot of things worse. along the way I was trying to find whatever it was out there that would make me feel happy and loved and that got in the way of me making the best decisions for my life, because I didn't know what it was that would make me feel like I belonged. To my family: I love you mom, jim, dad, and I appreciate all the things you have done for me. We have all always been more like friends than like parents and a child, and I am sorry that at times I have not given you the respect and attention a child should give to their parents. My emotions about us and our relationships are very complicated and I am still trying to figure them out, but I will always continue to do my best and to make you proud and that's all I can do. I love you.

By focusing my attention on the few people who deserve it I have been able to make them and myself happy and keep it that way! Now my number one, (sorry Tay) is and always has been my best friend Nahal. She keeps me sane, and she makes my life a better place, she knows me, understands me, never judges, she forgives me when I make mistakes, and is always ALWAYS there for me. She's THE most amazing person that I have ever met. The way she cares for people, her honesty, they have been a constant rock throughout my life and I cherish her more than anything. Then Cody, it was amazing to me when Nahal met someone who loved her as much as I do, and who also wasn't intimidated by her and I's relationship. He welcomed me into their life and his, which was such a change. He taught me that there were guys out there who would not yell and scream or call a girl names, he gave me hope. Seeing him love my best friend is amazing because he is finally someone who DESERVES her love, he is an amazing person inside and out and my best friend and brother. I don't know where we would be without you Code.

And of course it goes without saying that the other person who keeps me going is Taylor. He has taught me to become more independent, he taught me how to trust, he taught me how to love with every inch of my heart. No matter what tomorrow will bring I know that he will be there, through tears or laughter, to stand by my side and face life head-on, together.

I love you guys, more than you will ever know, my family. :)