I have decided to change my life, I finally have had enough of being overweight and I have started exercising and eating healthy. I have just realized that I have wasted a lot of my life so far worrying about other people and taking care of them, and I just want to take care of me from now on.
I feel like I have been on a roller coaster of emotions lately. I go from really happy, to sad, to lonely, to bitchy, to really happy again, to just feeling blank. Im not sure what that is all about but I can guess. Taylor tells me, "our business, is our business" and when we get in a fight he just expects me to pretend like nothing is wrong when I talk to my mom or Nahal. I have never been that kind of person. Im the type that when I get in a fight I need to get away and clear my head, talk to my friends and family to get a different perspective on things then come back and solve the situation calmly, but he just wants me to stop getting upset and supress my emotions. He is content with pushing away his emotions and never talking anything through, but I don't personally think that is healthy at all. When things are just "okay" that's good enough for him, but I want things to be great. And I dont know, maybe that's unrealistic, but it's just what I want and I can't change how I feel.
I feel alone. I feel unheard. I feel unappreciated. I feel restless, and I feel tired, tired of trying to please everyone and not getting much back, tired of the endless problems that like to place themselves in front of me, like huge road blocks warning me that I am not on the right path. Now, don't take this the wrong way, it may not sound like it, but I am much MUCH happier than I used to be six months ago. After going through all that I did for the last three years, now I know that I am strong enough to walk away from things and people in my life who are holding me back. Never again will I let someone abuse my spirit and generosity, or stand in the way of my future. I think what I am going through now is more of an internal battle, figuring out what it is in life that I actually need to do to feel content.
That's what I ultimatly want in life, I want to feel content. I want to leave no rock unturned, I want to feel loved and wanted, I want to expierence everything I possibly can, I want to be healthy and feel good about myself. There is a lot I want, and I will get there. It's just times like these when I feel so lonely and unimportant that I get down about it. I wish Taylor and I could be happy, but I think I need to be happy with myself first. You can't love anyone the right way until you love yourself. Its strange, I have given that piece of advice a lot in my life and never really understood I was really trying to give it to myself.
I'm trying. Thats all i can really tell anyone, Taylor, my friends, and family, I'm trying... and hopefully it will all work out in the end.
Well first of all you ARE so very important to me :) I know you already know that, but telling you again doesn't hurt. I'm sorry you're going through such a roller coaster lately. I agree with you though, I think you're really trying to figure out what it is in life that you really want. I know it's hard sometimes, but I think its good that you know when you're not fully content and that know that you want and deserve to be fully happy. It definitely does start with yourself, like you said. And I know it must be really hard being up there without any friends or family :( we all miss you very much. I'm always a phone call away though and am always here to be your shoulder.
ReplyDeleteI love you,
Hal
You are on the cusp of a new beginning and a renewed spirt, Sweetheart. I really believe that. I have so enjoyed getting to know you. Talking to you is like going back and talking to myself at twenty. And if I really could go back and talk to myself 12 years ago, I would say, "Don't forget today. Don't just say you are ready to change, to feel better, to be treated better and then let yourself be distracted when things "seem" to be better." Rule to live by: Always take care of yourself first. After that, you can lift up the people around you and everyone is for the better. Hang in there. See ya tonight:)
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