Beginning Again

So much in my life has changed, looking back I can see how all along it's been changing. So much is still changing, and I know more and more change will find me as I move forward with my life. I am, for once, truly alone. I am without a boyfriend or someone to tell me what's wrong and right. I am without someone telling me that I can or can't do this or that. It's a strange feeling... and yet I have never felt more myself. I have never felt more empowered, I have never felt so at peace with who I am. This is just the beginning of my discovery into who I am, and where I belong in this world. Underneath the high I get of being able to be on my own, I feel my old self-loathing feelings creeping in on me, like seeing a storm coming closer in the distance. I feel the despair, and the lonliness I will have to fight through. I feel the feelings of needing someone to be there just so I can feel like my old self again, but I will fight those feelings as long and as hard as I can. Suprisingly, I am not dreading it... I am actually ready to embrace it and welcome this time of self discovery, even if it is a dark place I have to travel to in order to find my way.

It's been two days since I have seen Taylor, and during that time we've hardly talked. I feel so guilty for ending things. No one understands how much that I love him. It breaks my heart that I can't be his everything, I can't be everything he needs and deserves. I have to be by myself and travel this path alone. I have finally decided what I want to do with my life, and I am going to chase it. I can't chase it with Taylor... We want different things in life, and our lives are going to take us down different paths. It kills me to think of him so sad and thinking that I broke his heart... That's the last thing I ever wanted to do. He saved me from a bad situation and then he taught me that I was worth so much more than I had ever thought I was. He taught me how to trust myself and now I have to rely on just me to find the last piece to my puzzle.

I decided about a week ago that I am going to make a list of the things I want to accomplish in the next 50 years, and what there is standing in the way of me accomplishing those things. Then everyday I am going to take steps toward overcoming those obstacles and crossing off the things that stand in my way and the things I want to do, the places I want to go. I am so excited to move forward with my life. But as always, saddened at the things I have to leave behind.