A Bad Goodbye...

Not many people are going to want to read this... it will be filled with anger, emotion, sadness, and a bit of bad language I am sure... But I have to write it for my own sanity, so that I can look back and remember what happened. Please close the page if you don't want to be depressed or are easily offended.

Taylor and I broke up the 26th of June and it's been over a month and half since then... The last night we were together, the night of the 25th, I went over to his mom's house because we had planned to go out together. It was 11 o'clock and he said he was too tired to go anywhere. I had spent 2 hours getting ready and bought him an early birthday present. I was going to give it to him that night. I was upset that I had gone through all of that trouble and he didn't even want to stay up and watch a movie with me. So he went to sleep and I went out to a local bar. I was so tired of feeling like that, not important enough... I sucked it up and the next day got up with him and asked if he wanted to go to lunch. He asked me "why I always wanted to spend money"... not knowing that I wanted to give him his birthday present at lunch. I told him that I had money to take him out and wanted to, he said he didn't want to go. So I said "fine can we at least go down to the car". I gave him his present sitting in the driveway (a GPS so he could get around at work) he liked it and thanked me, but for some reason I was still upset about him ditching me the night before and we started to argue. Here I am 6 weeks later and I can't remember why or how, but we ending up saying goodbye that day.

Fast forward through many text messages and phone calls and a few early morning visits that Taylor showed up unnanounced and its now July 20th the Wednesday before my play opened and Taylor came to see it, then afterwards we went to dinner. Where he informed me that he met a 27 year old at Chili's one week after he and I had broken up. With tears in his eyes he explained to me that he didn't feel like he and I were over and that he had "made a mistake". He had slept with her. I told him that I understood how it felt to be alone out drinking and have one night you may regret. I had done the same thing a few nights before he and I had this conversation. Mine was a one night fling, and I had not continued to see that man. Taylor told me his was a one night thing as well, but when we got back to my apartment he was on facebook and adamant about letting people know his phone didn't work so that "his mom wouldn't worry" he had said... I knew right there he was lying to me about the extent of he and this new girl's relationship. I saw that she had commented on his facebook and had a picture of herself and Taylor as her profile picture and I got really hurt. Again he told me, don't give up on us, we are meant to be and I only love you. I believed him and we both just said we needed more time apart to become our own people and stop relying on our relationship instead of being healthy and ok on our own.

After that night I was very busy until my play ended on July 31st, I heard from Taylor every once in a while, he would ask how I was and tell me he missed me. But it seemed like we were slipping further apart with each passing day. He told me the week of August 1st that his mom had kicked him out of her house, that he lost his job and was sleeping at a bar. But the pictures that kept being posted on his facebook told me otherwise, he was spending a lot of time with that woman that he met. I asked him if I could come take him to dinner since he was jobless and homeless and he always made an excuse or told me yes, but it will have to be before a certain time, and I thought if you are homeless why does it need to be before a certain time? I later learned he had been staying at Kari's house, the name of the girl he had been seeing. It broke my heart to know that just a month before I was the love of his life and we had been engaged and that now he was already dating (and staying with) another girl. I was focused on myself, I hung out with friends, went out on the weekends, and was doing my play, I was really trying to cope with losing Taylor, I wasn't trying to go find a guy to be my rebound.

He texted me on my Birthday (Aug 8) and told me he had been thinking about me a lot lately and asked if I had a good birthday. We texted back and forth for a while and on Tuesday (Aug 9) I had a little too much to drink and got sad and called him. I asked if I could come see him, and he readily accepted. He was staying at his mom's house again so I took off for Rockwall and sat on the tail of his truckbed crying about what we had, and how we had lost it. He comforted me and before I knew it we were kissing under the moonlight in the driveway, just as we had so many other times. I pressed him for details about his life and about Kari. He told me that Kari and him had mutual friends they went out with and a few times he had gotten drunk and been with her, but assured me they were nothing serious. He told me, "She means nothing to me, you do and you always will" We proceeded upstairs to his room and from there you can guess what happened. At one point he told me, "can we please make sure nothing about "this" gets put on facebook?" I jumped up shocked at his request. I asked him who it was that he didn't want to know, he said his family... I asked him "wouldn't they know when they wake up and see my car here?" He said well I guess... I was like who really don't you want to know, and he answered quietly "Kari...." I was so hurt, I said "you lied to me, taylor, you told me you two were just drinking buddies, and that's not true". I said "Answer me right now, does she think you are her boyfriend??" and he said again, quietly.."maybe..." I got up, put my clothes on, walked to his bedroom door and said, "please never call me again". And I left.

He proceeded to call me more than 15 times and left me a voicemail, and sent over 8 full paged texts about how sorry he was, that I was the one good thing in his life and he just let me walk out the door. I finally answered his phone call and he said that he just couldn't be alone and he had to be with someone... I said he was pathetic and I couldn't believe he sat there and promised me the world when he was actually cheating on his new girlfriend with me.... Taylor always prided himself on being such a great person, such a great boyfriend, and now look what he was doing?? Oh and it gets worse... the next day I sent Kari a message, not be vengeful and break them up, but I just feel like every girl deserves to know what an asshole is doing to her and I never would have touched Taylor had I known they were serious, because that's just awful to do to someone. She changed her picture to another picture of her and Taylor after I sent the message and put she was in a relationship with him on her facebook. I texted Taylor and asked him if he told her the truth that night, (he was obviously with her) and texted me back and said "What? Stop talking to me you are causing problems and I hate you for that" I said, oh I AM causing problems??? Really?? He denied everything to Kari and told her that I was lying to break them up... how could you do that? After everything I did for him? After everything we have been through you are going to throw me under the bus and call me a liar?? He kept texting me saying I was messing up his life and to leave him alone, and I am nothing but a liar... I cried so hard I was shaking... I told him that he is a piece of shit for making me feel like a liar when it was really him who was lying. He said, "you are never allowed into my life again for doing this", and I replied "NO YOU ARE NEVER ALLOWED IN MINE". I just can't believe how bad he hurt me... the one person who was supposed to be my everything, the one person who promised me he would keep me safe, and never hurt me. Everytime that we were having problems or I was having doubts, at least I was HONEST about it to him... I didnt pretend everything was fine and then go behind his back with other men... I NEVER hurt him like that EVER. He deserves to be unhappy for a long time after what he put me through...

I was terribly shaken up last night but I woke up this morning stronger than I have felt in a long time, because I know I made the right decision in ending things with him. Who wants to spend the rest of their life with someone who "needs" to be with you because he "needs" someone.... I want a man who WANTS to be with me, because of who I am, not because im just "someone" he needs because he can't be alone. He can take his drug doing, redneck, lying ass somewhere else and be with someone else and I will be just fine. So there is my little rant and my way of being able to look back and remember the details... to those of you that chose to read this whole blog... I am sorry and I hope I don't come off as some crazy bitch, I just wanted to be respected by a man that I always showed respect to. I guess things end up the way they should, and I will be ok no matter what, on my own, or one day with the REAL man of my dreams :)